8:15 PM, December 31, 2009

The moon appears a full disc of fiery ice
peering disdainfully down upon our atmosphere.
I hear fireworks all around, but cannot see them,
as I sit quietly on my patio in the sprinkling mist.

Eric got off work early and came to pick up Carl,
to take him to Jessica's and Brad's, where they'll
drink, smoke, play video games, and perhaps watch
the brilliantly extravagant fireworks display the
neighbors always put on there. Meanwhile, Jessica
and Brad took the kids to their other parent's
annual NYE bash - at Kam's, Kern's, Anna's, & JJ's
parents' house in The Woodlands. Fred went with
Alfee and Louise to pick up her other 2 grandsons
in Baytown, then to visit Chance and his family, if
they can be found.

I opted to stay home, where I've cooked pork loin,
and have scalloped potatoes baking, with some fresh
broccoli stems sauteeing on the stove. I'm a loner,
for the most part. I don't mind not being involved
in any celebratory festivities. I like solitude, maybe
too much sometimes. But, after all, I am my own best
friend. LOL Well, actually, I'm sharing the evening
with my spirit guide, Wenonah. I did express to her
that I'm very blessed to be spending NYE with her.
(No, I'm not crazy.) And I told all my loved ones
who've passed on from this life that I love them.
(Seriously - not crazy.)

I'm a homebody, and family is more important to me than
anyone or anything else. But part of me still longs for
something elusive. Not adventure, I've outgrown that stage.
Something serendipitous and serene. True companionship.
I miss my friend Jenn so much. It's been 3 years since she
died. I still don't know if the coroner determined whether
it was a heart attack like they suspected. I tend to suspect
differently. Only because I knew her as well as anyone,
I believe. I haven't spoken to her family since the week after
her funeral. I have no reason to travel to Nederland anymore.
I wasn't close enough to any of them to call. Oh well.

I have no best girl friend, without Jenn. There are no close
girlfriends here. There are friends, but not best friends.
I relate better to men most of the time anyway. Fred is my
best friend, which is as it should be. But there should be more.
I know there must. Everyone feels such longing, I surmise, from
time to time. Surely we all think there must be something else,
somewhere else, that would fit us better. Is that true? I have to
believe it is. There's comfort in assurance that I'm no stranger
than the next poor slob.
*S*

Happy New Year!

I entered a poetry challenge for NYE...this was my entry...

The Indictment

Joe conveniently blamed his undoing on Frances.
Their hearts had hardened over a few long years,
Like the hoary overgrowth of thorn-laden shrubs
That lined the drive winding from Harrod Lane
Up to their walnut double doors, heavy, sturdy,
And proudly exhibiting their stained glass panes.
They only appeared inviting to casual observers.

Anyone who knew the two needn't be a prophet to see
The chance was high that either Frances or Joe might
Surface dead long before their time should've been due.
That cold topaz resting on her third finger, left hand,
Gave way to a gem of grander repose, highly carated,
Shining like the iridescent glint in Joe's hard eyes,
As he encircled Frances with favors, lies, and demands.

The wedding was de rigueur, the reception posh.
The decade that followed was a whirlwind of gain.
Then came Brittany, followed by Marsh...blessings -
Or the demise of all that remained plausibly sane?
Joe inhaled and injected his profits; business crashed,
As did Frances, into a crevasse below and past the last
Turn west of Morgan's Point, on a night much too dark.

Authorities suspected, unproven, more than casual mishap.
Joe blamed his late wife's lover for breaking her heart.
He claimed Frances got a call she never expected,
That sent her out the door then over that retaining wall.
He told detectives he hadn't slept with her in years.
Perhaps they split the sheets, but Joe never split hairs,
Nor profits. Frances knew too much to remain untouched.

Cold cases gather dust slowly on dim back shelves.
Her lifestyle was top-drawer, but Frances' demise
Held less glamor, less drama - more apathy and ennui.
She never stood for being ignored; she didn't lie
Still for it long either. Somehow Joe never rested
Peacefully again, even though he remained unindicted.
Between midnight and 3:00 AM, without fail, she came

To him - bloody finger outstretched, beautiful face
Abraded, marred...floating, not walking...closer...
Calling Joe, Joe, you know I'll never leave you.

New Year's Eve eve...

Yes, here's a pic of Carl at his finest. LOL!

I'm watching Ghost Hunters (sorta) while playing on Facebook - mostly Vampire Wars and a little Fashion Wars. VW is addictive and I'll have to slack off next week when I return to work. FW is fairly boring, but I do it in between energy and rage refills on VW. I refuse to try Farmville, which EVERYone in my family seems to be playing...and I especially refuse to try Zynga poker/Texas Hold 'Em, or whatever it is my kids and their friends play.

I baked 2 pumpkin pies for NYE tomorrow. Fred fried catfish and salmon for supper, along with fries, and I fixed a salad w/lettuce, tomato, avacado, carrot, and broccoli. It was all delish. I'd never tried fried salmon before, but it was good. Cooked in olive oil, not too greasy. I'll be glad when holiday season is finís after this weekend, mainly because there will be much fewer sweet temptations beckoning wherever we go. We still have some pecan pie left over from Xmas. But we polished of the Italian creme cake yesterday. Damn.

I thought it actually might snow yesterday, but it never did. Had a little (very little) sleet mixed with some rain. Much more rain last night, apparently, from the looks of the yard. But it's drier now. Enough weather talk. I'm talking to myself, so what do I care? Ha.

Didn't feel much Christmas spirit this past week, but I tell myself it's OK, Christ wasn't born on Dec. 25th anyway. I miss Pope John Paul II's midnight masses on Xmas Eve. I watched those every year. They were/he was inspirational. And he knew to surround himself with other equally inspirational clerics and others. Benedict just doesn't even come close. Not that I'm Catholic. I took a 'what religion are you' quiz on BeliefNet (what DON'T they have a quiz for?!), and it told me, no surprise, that I'm 100% mainstream liberal Protextant Christian. Well, duh... But Gloria would be pleased (and maybe not surprised at all) that I also had 89% UU tendencies.

Gloria sent an email out to her cohorts yesterday inviting everyone to Crazy Heart (who/what the heck is that?) Sat. night. Said she wants to meet before for dinner somewhere good. I have to first look up the venue and also the featured ?performer(s)?, but I doubt I'll go. Been kinda (well, more than kinda) lazy all week. Not having to go in to the office will do that to ya'. At least it does for me.

Yesterday Fred was all like- we need to go here, we need to do this. Ugh. I told him I was on vacation and wanted to relax. I asked him what he thought vacation was for, and he said it was for getting other things done that you couldn't do when you have to work all week. Typical answer for a workaholic. Opposites...

Where...The Trees

A lone stand of pines keeps watch
beyond those citrus groves where
we played, where orange trees
produced their edible art, where
sweetness danced on questing lips,
and anticipation dribbled down our chins.

I remember you, pine-cone grenade in hand,
unbridled mirth spilling from your mouth,
past delicious orange-flavored lips...
When - *THWACK* - a hard green missile
found its mark on my cheek, where only
moments earlier your hand gently brushed
wayward hair from my face, and I felt
your breath, warm and wanton, on my skin.

All was fair in love and war:
Might in battle gave way to
impassioned testaments of forever.
Beneath glitters of falling stars,
loyal friendship melted into dawn,
then into scars that burn so sweetly.
Like ravaged driftwood setting sail
from twilight's quickly cooling sands,
those moments floated off beyond our grasp.

Now following the sun's daily reign,
a vague semblance of peace settles in.
Like some grayed carousel, shadows descend.
The lone stand of pines keeps watch,
sentinels untouched by time.
The trees know...
yet silent they'll remain.

Happy T Day

Well it's Thanksgiving night. I see I haven't blogged since before Halloween. I knew I'd be bad at keeping up with this. But I've cleaned and allegedly sped up my PC, so maybe it will be easier to stay online... Quien se?

I have to remind myself this is my journal. Which means I should make a daily entry, or at least a couple times a week. I can't get my head around having something that's out there on the Internet for whomever to peruse being my "diary." LOL! But I'm working on it.

Had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner at Jess & Brad's. Patrick's sick (again). He had a 100.2 or so temp. Jessica gave him Dayquil and sent him to bed. He's congested, but then he has been, from allergies, for a couple months now. He felt better after a nap. Aurora, on the other hand, was too busy playing with friend Chloe down the street to nap. She came in from playing and announce she was getting a real phone for Christmas, because she's in 2nd grade now, and therefore needs one, so she can call and text her friends any time. Really! Her mother and I both said the same thing - "Whatever!"

Now Fred's snoozing in his recliner and I'm about to try to catch up on Facebook, which is yet another thing I can't stay with, with any regularity. More later, I hope.

trait snapshot:

rarely irritated, positive, tough, non phobic, fearless, likes the unknown, self reliant, high self control, confident, trusting, strong instincts, prudent, optimistic, willful, likes parties, prefers a specialized career, takes charge, altruistic, strong, high self concept, adventurous, practical, thoughtful

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||||||||||||| 63% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56% Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 60% Interdependence |||||||||||||| 60% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||| 60% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50% Work ethic |||||| 30% Conflictseeking |||||||||| 40% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70% Romantic |||||| 30% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 80% Wealth |||||||||| 40% Dependency |||||||||| 40% Change averse |||||||||| 40% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||| 40% Sexuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Peter pancomplex |||| 20% Histrionic |||| 20% Vanity |||||||||| 40% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Hedonism |||||||||||| 50% Physicalfitness |||||| 30% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63% Indie |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Transition

The eventide is familiar, warm, alight
like Morgana, in waiting, not quite
a lady.

Shade descending, night creeps
in upon the rain-mugged stone.
Audible waves of gold rush past
and vanish, leaving an itenerant
along forgotten shores of the Mystic.

Something as delicate as lace
carries a deadly bite; vaguely fragrant
fruit sends maybe’d invitation
across wonders of illusion.
The words beg more, elucidation.

Germs and warfare keep us distant.
The holy of holies upon us casts
a toxic glow, lost forbidden zenith.
Transition has its prime and grace.

~AnnRCantu
October ‘09

WARMTH FOR WINTER

What can I say that hasn’t been said?...

The darkness in me yearns for more fire.
I am not fool enough to singe my wings.
It is not because they are tattered
I do not fly.
I choose not to use them,

Except for quick hops
Along territory with which I am familiar.
I fondly visualize palms of some distant if,
While gazing in the sun at pines I know.
Spring is not near, only semblances and hints,

If one can live through winter.
I used to relish cold,
Warmed by the heat within.
God gave me sparrows as charges,
Something to protect and nourish.

So I am not a hawk.
They gather to feed, assured
I am no threat.
Days lengthen, creeping slowly,
As my words get shorter.

There is no heaven past the convent wall.
The monastery lies freely cloistered.
Ivy climbs to choke the stones.
Moss and fungus cling yet add character.

There will be no fire today.
Was there ever need of flight?
Close your arms and pray for warmth.

~Ann R Cantu, 2005

10/10/2009

Halloween and I are glad it's Autumn. Halloween is my cat there. She's a tortoise shell with huge round yellow-green eyes. She's giving a half-squint in the photo. Don't you hate it when people yak incessantly about their cats? LOL!

Finally a cool day in south Texas. What fun. If the rain stops for Saturday, it'll be better yet. I might even feel like doing yardwork. Gotta give the dog a bath first off. Sammy, our outside dog, that is. Elmer, who's the inside mutt, is clean and groomed thanks to Louise, my daughter-in-law. The birds were sad they couldn't go outside, but they were excited to see Fred when he and Carl got home from Dallas this afternoon. Geez, I need to take a picture of our other cat, Willow, so I can post him here next blog entry. (Now that should ensure I lose as many readers as possible.)

I'm wanting to write a poem or two again. I thought of a couple in my head while relaxing on the patio earlier, but when I finally sat down to type, I didn't feel the urge so much. I'll let the verses roll around in my head a while and see if they really want to come out.